I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
