dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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