so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Dicks are not precious.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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