I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
