I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
