I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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