dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize