Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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