I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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