we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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