Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
