I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
