I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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