I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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