I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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