you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
