Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
