I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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