is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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