Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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