Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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