Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize