Kiss
Puke
My hand turned me down
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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