yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
