Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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