I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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