I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
