wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
