I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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