We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
