If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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