The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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