Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
