I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
