and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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