Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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