They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Green mimosas i think yes
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
false alarm, still single
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
