guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
