Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
