It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
