Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
