I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
the raccoons are back...
Randomize