9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
