Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
