the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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