took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
