Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
