There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
