HIV tests are more positive than that guy
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize