I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
