I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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