he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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