the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
