I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
