so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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