my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
