Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
