I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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