hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
