I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
