You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
