I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
